We really need to talk.

This is a difficult blog to write. I feel ashamed, hurt, angry, and perplexed and I do not want to draw unnecessary, unhealthy attention to a horrible situation. At the same time, we cannot allow this to become an ‘elephant in the room’. We do not need to talk publicly and in detail about this but we do need to talk quietly with one another. What has happened is real, and it is painful and damaging in many ways for many people.

Yesterday the national news reported that Ben Thomas has been sentenced to ten years in prison for a string of sex offences.

Some of his victims are my friends. Through sensitivity to their suffering and respect for their privacy I will not say anything more about them.

His wife and family are my friends. When we lived in North Wales we played on the beach with his kids and ate ice-creams together. We have not been able to get in touch with them since this news broke and we are desperately concerned for them. Through sensitivity to their suffering and respect for their privacy I will not say anything more about them.

Ben is my friend.I have known him for nearly 25 years. He was a colleague in Christian ministry and he once invited me to preach at the church in Criccieth. It is easy to look back with hindsight and see things in a different light. Should I have known? The truth is, I had no idea. Nobody saw this coming. It is fair to say that we loved him as ‘one of our own’.

I have deliberately written ‘is’. I do not condone any of the crimes which Ben has committed. They were sinful. Evil. Trust has been broken in a way that can never be fully restored this side of heaven. Still, as a Christian, I cannot bring myself to say that ‘Ben was my friend’. My own hope of going to heaven for eternity rests on the fact that Jesus Christ is a friend of sinners. I am a sinner too, in my own way, so I lay claim to Jesus’ friendship. If Jesus ever said that He was but no longer is my friend I would be lost forever. If the church starts disowning sinners, our message is already dead. Trust has gone and the relationship is damaged but in spite of all that, at a fundamental level, I feel I must still say that Ben is my friend.

It is impossible to explain how such sins can exist in a Christian, in a minister, or in a church but they can and they do, more often than we want to acknowledge. How can such unclean things occur among people in whom the infinitely pure, Holy Spirit of God is dwelling? It should not be but it is. How could so much deception occur for so long in spite of all our rigorous child-protection measures? It is inexplicable unless you realise just how subtle and deceitful sin is. Yet even in Bible times, gross sins were committed by people who ultimately proved that they were genuine Christians by responding to discipline and turning away from their sin (1 Corinthians 5:1-2; 2 Cor 2:5-7). It is a good thing that God has finally brought this into the light.

I don’t know where Ben has come to in facing up to what he has done and turning away from his sin. The fact that he cooperated fully with the police and asked to be taken into custody is, to my mind, a promising sign. He has regained some respect by doing that. But I believe that he is a very sensitive man and I fear that he could easily be “overwhelmed by excessive sorrow”. I hope that there are people close enough to him to communicate Christian love to him (2 Cor 5:7-8). In saying this, I am not detracting from the gravity of his crimes; I am following the lead of some of his victims who have openly expressed the same sentiment.

To my non-Christian friends reading this and thinking “What a bunch of hypocrites!”... Yes we can be. We openly confess that we fall short of the Bible’s standards in many, many ways. It is not just Ben that has failed you. We have all failed you. I put my hand up: many times and in more ways than you realise I have failed to live in a way that commends the good news of Jesus Christ to you. Please forgive me. Please forgive us. It is unlikely that there will be any public statement from the churches which Ben was associated with but we are not avoiding the issue. It is causing a lot of heart-searching. It is like a massive earthquake and we expect to feel the aftershocks for years to come. The truth is, we are absolutely reeling. We are devastated. We do not know what to say. We are sorry.

The ‘sexually-liberated’ attitudes of Western society are contributing to an increasingly confusing social structure with people bringing problems into churches which would have been unimaginable even twenty years ago. At the same time, sex is still a taboo subject in many churches. I am encouraged by recent indications that the evangelical wing in Wales are discussing how to communicate God’s love to people who have no real understanding of the Bible’s teaching on sin, sexuality, and salvation. They are doing this without undermining the need for repentance made real by the promise of God’s power to change lives - no matter how complex and broken.

This must continue! It is a sort of ‘Victorian moralism’, rather than a living Christianity, which forces people to suppress deep feelings in an unhealthy, stoical way. I wonder whether this played a part in the way this tragic situation developed. Could it have been addressed before it became such a terrible and destructive habit? Not while we unwittingly communicate the unbiblical message that “God hates sexual sinners”! It will compound the tragedy if we were so silent at this time that other young people were made to think that their problems were too bad, their feelings too wrong, their needs so unacceptable, that they are unable to seek help. We really need to talk.

I hope that this will break the ice and give others the confidence to start talking discreetly with their pastor or their close friends, or to find other help if it is needed. If I can be a help to you, or if I can help you find the help you need, please contact me privately.

Correction: The Evangelical Movement of Wales published this statement which I was not aware of at the time of writing. It includes a helpline number for anyone who feels they need help with the issues raised. Please pray for those involved directly in this difficult responsibility. https://www.emw.org.uk/about/an-important-statement/

If you are a victim of any kind of abuse please contact the police on 101.