You just sit quietly and be a good victim now, won’t you?

It was about 11 years ago that I was first drawn into contact with a modern day Christian cult. You will not find it alongside Jehovah’s Witnesses and Latter-Day Saints in an encyclopaedia of religions. In fact, it took me a while to realise that it was a cult. At first I thought that these were just Christians with some really weird and difficult pastoral problems. It gradually became clear that they were not really Christian problems at all. They were problems created by a subtle but very, very nasty distortion of what the bible teaches. 

This false teaching created an environment in which spiritual, physical, emotional, and sometimes sexual abuse thrived. God was not a gentle and loving Father but a moody tyrant in the sky - and human fathers were taking their lead from the bad example of this devilish false-god which they had cooked up in their own imaginations. It was worked out to different degrees, depending on the temperament of the parents, and could be particularly harsh if mixed with any kind of mental illness. Tragically, after years of being treated this way themselves, some young people have gone on to perpetuate and even amplify the abuse when they have their own families - with horrific consequences.

How did it work? Vulnerable individuals were taught that as ‘good Christians’ they should always forgive and never report anything to the ungodly police. They were also taught that if bad things happen to you it is usually because you deserve it - either because God had unleashed Satan against you as a direct punishment for sinning against Him or because you were responsible for ‘provoking’ the abuse (e.g. inviting sexual assault by wearing attractive clothing).

Individuals who held ‘positions of authority’ (the husband over his wife, dad and mum over their children) were elevated to a place in which any perceived ‘rebellion’ against them was taken as direct rebellion against God. Sure, there was a lot of talk about Jesus but He was not a sympathetic High Priest that you could come to by simple faith for help in any difficulty. You could only come to Jesus if you were in complete subjection to your husband/father. There was a lot of talk about grace but this was not understood as God’s undeserved love gifts. It was something you had to earn by towing the line and lost by disobeying mum and dad.

This cult spells out in detail the rules which encourage vulnerable people to passively accept abuse. It’s rules are completely incompatible with biblical Christian faith but I fear that similar ideas can sometimes be perpetuated under the guise of popular spirituality. These are some of the things which I have heard people say to victims of abuse:

1. “You must have done something to deserve this”. Remember Job’s friends? They were convinced that Job must have sinned terribly to deserve the things that happened to him but God knew that Job was righteous. The people asked Jesus whether a man was blind because of his parent’s sin or his own sin but Jesus said that it was neither. Abuse does not mean that you have sinned; it means that your abuser is sinning. God’s Laws, the Ten Commandments, are expanded in practical ways in both the Old and New Testament; it is clear throughout that God intends to preserve life, sexual purity, and the safety of spouses and children within a family. God’s Law is designed to protect the innocent; people who twist it so as to blame the victim are demonstrating that their own hearts are sick and twisted.

2. “Stop playing the victim”. Psychologically, we can put ourselves at a disadvantage by embracing a ‘negative mental attitude’ - but there is a huge difference between being a victim and playing the victim! The God of the bible is perfectly righteous and concerned about justice and truth. He knows that our broken justice systems frequently penalise the innocent poor, while the rich and powerful get away with murder - and he expects his people to stand with those who are victims against injustice. Scripture records many prayers by oppressed people seeking God’s deliverance, and wrongly accused people seeking God’s vindication. Sure, we all need to resist the sin of ‘self-pity’ but it is godly, not sinful, to desire justice and actively pursue it. All sin is ultimately against God - He is the ‘victim’ and demands justice but He has never become bitter or developed a ‘victim mentality’.

3. “Christians are supposed to forgive”. There is an element of truth in this but forgiveness is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card for the abuser. Think about the way God approaches forgiveness when we sin against Him. He did not disregard the law, He sent Jesus to fulfil the law. He does not give forgiveness out indiscriminately; He forgives people who ask for mercy - that is, people who realise that they deserve to be punished. He does not forgive people who weep tears because their actions have painful consequences; He forgives people who weep tears because they are sorry for what they are, what they have done, and the hurt caused to others: we call them ‘tears of repentance’. And He expects that ‘repentance’ as a ‘change of heart and mind’ must become concrete in actual changes in behaviour. Surely these elements must work out in our human relationships too? For our own spiritual and emotional well-being we must seek to avoid bitterness, confess it to God if we are becoming bitter, and ask Him to help us with it. But abuse leaves emotional and spiritual wounds which remain long after the physical scars heal. Long term abuse can distort the victim’s sense of reality and normality. It should provoke righteous anger. It can produce feelings of shame and pollution. We can grieve over the things that an abuser has taken away from us, almost as thought we have been bereaved. So forgiveness is possible but it is not automatic in a mechanical way, and it happens when the victim is, by God’s grace, ready - not when the abuser demands it.

• In a situation where many people have been abused by the same person, some victims will find that they are sincerely able to say “I forgive you” almost immediately. Others will take much longer. That is ok. We are all different. We Have different experiences and feel things with differing intensity. The important thing is that we each keep in step with the Holy Spirit and respond as He gently works in us to heal us and make us more Christ-like and holy.

• It is very hard to swallow when it is the abuser and his/her friends who are telling their victims they must forgive - especially when there is no sign of any change of attitude or behaviour on their part! In the Old Testament God appointed judges to handle disputes. The New Testament acknowledges that, in their respective spheres, church leaders and civil governments have authority to act in opposition to evil. Take your advice from people who are removed enough to be ‘objective’ - not from people who have reason to be biased. Depending on the circumstances that could be a pastor or trusted friends, or it could mean seeking the help of a counsellor, a women’s aid or children’s charity, or the social services and police.

4. “You are supposed to honour your father and mother or submit to your husband”. Yes, God might be saying that to your children and your wife. But He is not saying that to you! To men it says “Do not provoke your children to anger” and “Love your wives as Christ loved the church”. Touché. Physician heal yourself! When an abuser uses God’s word to maintain their control or justify their actions, it just adds another level of abuse. It is spiritual gaslighting, painting a distorted reality in which God overlooks gross sins and nit-picks details. Religious abusers like this tolerate massive logs in their your own eyes whilst picking at imaginary specks in their victims.

5. “But (s)he’s your dad/brother/mother/sister. God intends families to stick together”. God intends families to be mini communities of trust and love - communities in which God’ standards of right and wrong are taught and lived out. Our family relationships are supposed to reflect something of the infinite love which has existed between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit for all eternity, and the grace which God has poured out in Jesus Christ. How far short of this must a family fall before it ceases to be a family in any meaningful way? We have to be realistic. Where crimes are being committed, the family may be physically present in the same place but they are already completely torn apart. There are situations where we must act in line with the highest intent of God’s Law - to preserve life and purity - and that can mean putting boundaries and barriers between victims and abusers. If divorce is permitted in the lesser case of physical abandonment (1 Corinthians 7), surely it is often not just permitted but also advisable in more serious situations where an abandonment of the marriage vows is being worked out in physical, psychological, or sexual abuse of spouse or children? As an adult and a parent, your first responsibility is to your own spouse and children; you are not breaking the command to honour your own parents, if you prevent an abusive grand-parent or other relative from having access to your family. This is common sense and spiritual wisdom. The righteous Law and commandments of God are there to protect and empower the vulnerable, not to protect and empower their abusers!

6. “Stop complaining - that other family has it far worse”. Not all abuse is the same and, without excusing sinful actions, there can be contributing factors which exacerbate and so on. But we must never give the impression that people suffering things at number 1 on the evil scale matter less than people suffering things at number 10 on the evil scale. Of course, our responses have to be proportional but all people have value, and all evil should be contested.

This is far from a comprehensive list and you will have to think about how the principles apply in other situations e.g. abuse by a teacher or pastor. If you have suffered abuse, you can probably add your own examples. These are just a few thoughts drawn from my own experiences. Whatever we intend by saying these things, what we communicate is: “ You just sit quietly and be a good victim now, won’t you?”